The Fall Is What’s Worth The Fall.

I’m so fucking sick of being told how my life is going to end, and feeling like everyday is a dead end. I creep along aspirations cliffs and stare out at the sea of me, yearning to be far beyond these shores. To be free from the shackles that bind me to what I dont want to remember anymore. Finally lying on a bed, falling asleep, content in my own head. Tiptoeing on a tightrope with fingers crossed, becoming more and more stable with each passing day. I’ve found I’m better at being good at this “life” gig when I’m forced to prove that I’m not like the rest. Flooding the plains of my past with love and hope, washing away the guilt and repent, I just want you to realise that I’m still learning to cope with all those things that I call my foes. I know that I haven’t been the best of kin, but for some reason I found it hard to see you as more than flesh and skin. My dearest friend, even he is full of sin, but sometimes our greatest ally and most feared enemy are twins. Looking to the bottom of a another bottle, I dread the regret that I know will accompany the mornings glow like a best friend.

Free Yourself.

Falling every which way, rushing to and fro, the crowds jostle past, and nothing ever seems to slow. Heavy headed, it’s as if this shit is just a game. A tug of war, something I must lose interest in when you don’t feel like playing anymore. But I’m still holding on, feeling like a lost cause, because I don’t feel as though anyone understands where I’m coming from. Fuck myself off because of the defeated mode rejection puts me in. I’m caught in the grip of the city.

Opposite or positive, to life you must be faithful. It’s like, why should I hate you when we ain’t that different? We may act different in some ways, but we still group together, like trends are an illustration of our true traits. Fuck them all is the motto, teenagers are imbibed with, when their feelings leave them wallowing in sorrow. One day we will realise that’s what happens when the people you follow are hollow. Dig a little deeper and you’ll feel that were not free, because there is no freedom in hearts full of greed. These are the years when every warning or lesson is hard to heed, and it’s easier to follow than lead.

Peers jeer and clown, but don’t let your head fall, because when your six-foot down no one remembers those who didn’t make a sound. Simple minded people always point the finger, and pretend that if our lives were their own, there would be a change in the bad luck that seems to loyally linger. All paths have intersections, just like everyone’s minds harbour misconceptions. Many rules and regulations keep our nature to explore tied to the floor, but in every moment, in every person, and in every life, there’s something worth fighting for.

It doesn’t matter who it is or where they seem to think they’re from, we’re all a victim of the love we create, always convincing ourselves it’s real and strong. Something we never learn from. Locked on to an ideology that all we currently see and hear must make us smile and feel free, but it’s these thoughts that are the fire, burning all that we should believe, all that we could be.

Sucking on stolen Marlboro’s, walking the streets, my mind is running from the days I don’t know if I can ever escape. Observing the world and what’s occurring. I visited the city of contentment and can’t seem to return there. Makes me question if I ever really was there? When I’m mad and sad, it means I have held something back for too long. It grew strong and the feeling followed its own will. Deep down I want to be my old man’s son, make him proud of what I have done, and not live a life taking pride in what I had no hand in. For better or worse, I must let it go, because the next day, I’m still seen as another face on the bus ride home. I’m glad I appreciate life because it’s easy to see the pain and strife and end it all tonight.

Forgive, But Don’t Forget.

For the love we’ve thrown away, for the memories we hope will never stray, for every moment lived has a story that deserves the light of day.

I remember the wilds of Africa, the jungles of Malaysia, and the maids of Manila.

I remember crying for my Mother like some first grader at the school gates.

I remember myself as a child without boundaries. Nurtured by a family brimming with prosperity.

I remember the helplessness of her stare after too many panadol, spreadeagled on the bathroom floor, life spilling from her every pore.

I remember leaving the wintery south, fearful of what the northern shores would harbour, but instead of dismay I found laughter.

I remember slicing through shimmering rifts of snow, Harry in tow. Carving to and fro, we were kids, and now even that was so long ago.

I remember falling in love with her simplicity. Calm in her embrace, I looked out at city towers and vast expanses of scenery. Before I knew it, she decieved me, and we were but a distant intimacy.

I remember gazing into the stars, High School fading behind me. Exploring the hills of Woodford, I drifted far from reality and with the coming of a New Year I soon lost sight of my sanity.

I remember smoking my rationality to extinction. A teenager confused from the situations that he could not escape from. In limbo, I stepped off the edge, noose tied tight around my neck.

I remember the bleached halls, the nights I lay there trapped in silence. Miserable with no place to hide, I dodged a bullet, and found that the grass was greener on this side.

I remember being chosen for who I was, and for once, I did have my moment triumph. Full of pride, limelighted under the bright lights, it was the passion that made me feel alive.

I remember remembering everything that has made me, me.

All the places that we’ve got to see, all those faces that we’ve got to meet, all the things that have made you and me, have led us here and we made it, we made it on our own.

“Another moment time kidnapped without consent.”

Searching, Seeking, Always.

Black clouds drift overhead.
A breeze filters in the open window and lazily licks my face as I stare deep into the dark sky.
This is my hiding place, a place where I belong.

I’m sinking to the depths of the ocean, waiting for you.
I’m sitting in the corner of my room, wanting you.

While most of you sleep, I think about how the world is so bleak. I’m surrounded by incomplete teenagers; driven by the danger. There’s too many of us males manoeuvring like scavengers trying to assassinate females character. We’re adrift in a river of time, and we can find no truth in this world of guise. Yet we always find a way to turn and run to our mistakes. And it seems to keep coming back together just to fall apart again. Anchored by dread, there is no further left to sink.

Without wings I see the world from a birds view. Feel the wind blow. Watch the morning sky glow. Flicking ash in a coke can, thinking about my next move, needing a sign of proof. This is I, being strong when I have nothing else to do. I’m skimming the surface of suffering, slowly suffocating, seeking refuge and salvation, but there’s no safe haven. Not from attraction that isn’t reciprocated.

Smoky thoughts circulate and elevate my mind state. I cross lines in society; boundaries are what I break down. Analyse their status, they’re conflicting opinions; it’s a moral shake down. Our minds fall dark and addicted, caving in from the weight of their wickedness.

I’ll still be writing shit when I’m ragged and aged with varacous veins. Let the pain fade away, because there’s no end to the masquerade of change. You can bend the bars of your cage, but you won’t escape. We’re trapped in the part we were cast to play. It’s always the same plot, the same genre, the same drama, the same blood stained love we all chase after. And when you feel that phenomenal rage brewing behind your ribcage, it’s better to just tell yourself that tomorrow will be another day.

And I only wished to leave this all behind, to live a better life. In the dust that finely coated the windowsill I left an inscription, that read, “I just don’t want to die hung up on life”.

I’m lost in this impossible maze. Tear apart myself again, again, again.
We are the consequence of a loveless world.

New Storms, For Old Lovers.

Searching for that gateway to the life I have sought ever since I was young, but right now, it feels like I’m walking into the sun. If only we were all one, and it meant that all out fears were undone. We’d brave the greatest storms and carry on. We’d throw out our hypocrisy, and do what’s better for you and me.

As I look around this place, I see so many things I wish I could erase. Take a look at my history; I was the hidden face of misery. Unless we take a chance this time, take a hold of our reins, we’re going to fade away, and everything I have come to know will stay the same.

Why am I still waiting for you to stop waiting? At least I know this can’t last forever because time hasn’t made me feel any better and I am starting to doubt that anything I feel is even real.

You think I’ll let you down, well I won’t. I’ve opened my eyes and I can finally see what’s inside, now all I can hope for is that you’re worth the wait. Believe that voice in your head and believe the men that visit your bed, for they obviously know what’s best.

Even if I lay my head down at night after a day I thought I got perfectly right, happiness slides away, and I can’t blame my mother anymore, because I know she’s trying her best not to see me as her worst mistake.

I can’t help but feel like I’m saying this all for you. Oh well, I doubt you will even notice.

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