Mari-goner.

For far too long I inhaled my ambitions inwards and blew my potential outwards.

I was a ‘functioning stoner’.

That is the ultimate fallicy. It is a reality I built to mask my inner tragedies. The parody is that it is at a great loss I have finally become aware of my inadequacies. 

I guess though, I have been told that before, that only the biggest blows can awaken the deepest changes. Although it doesn’t make the bitterest of pills any easier to swallow. 

I am sorry I wasn’t better to those around me, because I know I have a lot of love to give and that was masked by the smoke and mist. I know I could have been more of a man sooner than this. 

But.. 

This is the last time I shall write of this because I have come to terms with who I was and my attitude is to constantly improve upon my faults. 

The past is a hard bastard to get past and I’ll need to take a few more knocks to find the real reason I traipse upon this rock. 

Not that I am concerned with becoming ‘enlightened’. I am just conscious enough to know that I am more then just a city dwelling, stand still in the same spot, kind-of, sort-of.

Now, that’s fulfilling.

To know, I know enough, to know that I am already way better then I was. 

Searching, Seeking, Always.

Black clouds drift overhead.
A breeze filters in the open window and lazily licks my face as I stare deep into the dark sky.
This is my hiding place, a place where I belong.

I’m sinking to the depths of the ocean, waiting for you.
I’m sitting in the corner of my room, wanting you.

While most of you sleep, I think about how the world is so bleak. I’m surrounded by incomplete teenagers; driven by the danger. There’s too many of us males manoeuvring like scavengers trying to assassinate females character. We’re adrift in a river of time, and we can find no truth in this world of guise. Yet we always find a way to turn and run to our mistakes. And it seems to keep coming back together just to fall apart again. Anchored by dread, there is no further left to sink.

Without wings I see the world from a birds view. Feel the wind blow. Watch the morning sky glow. Flicking ash in a coke can, thinking about my next move, needing a sign of proof. This is I, being strong when I have nothing else to do. I’m skimming the surface of suffering, slowly suffocating, seeking refuge and salvation, but there’s no safe haven. Not from attraction that isn’t reciprocated.

Smoky thoughts circulate and elevate my mind state. I cross lines in society; boundaries are what I break down. Analyse their status, they’re conflicting opinions; it’s a moral shake down. Our minds fall dark and addicted, caving in from the weight of their wickedness.

I’ll still be writing shit when I’m ragged and aged with varacous veins. Let the pain fade away, because there’s no end to the masquerade of change. You can bend the bars of your cage, but you won’t escape. We’re trapped in the part we were cast to play. It’s always the same plot, the same genre, the same drama, the same blood stained love we all chase after. And when you feel that phenomenal rage brewing behind your ribcage, it’s better to just tell yourself that tomorrow will be another day.

And I only wished to leave this all behind, to live a better life. In the dust that finely coated the windowsill I left an inscription, that read, “I just don’t want to die hung up on life”.

I’m lost in this impossible maze. Tear apart myself again, again, again.
We are the consequence of a loveless world.

New Storms, For Old Lovers.

Searching for that gateway to the life I have sought ever since I was young, but right now, it feels like I’m walking into the sun. If only we were all one, and it meant that all out fears were undone. We’d brave the greatest storms and carry on. We’d throw out our hypocrisy, and do what’s better for you and me.

As I look around this place, I see so many things I wish I could erase. Take a look at my history; I was the hidden face of misery. Unless we take a chance this time, take a hold of our reins, we’re going to fade away, and everything I have come to know will stay the same.

Why am I still waiting for you to stop waiting? At least I know this can’t last forever because time hasn’t made me feel any better and I am starting to doubt that anything I feel is even real.

You think I’ll let you down, well I won’t. I’ve opened my eyes and I can finally see what’s inside, now all I can hope for is that you’re worth the wait. Believe that voice in your head and believe the men that visit your bed, for they obviously know what’s best.

Even if I lay my head down at night after a day I thought I got perfectly right, happiness slides away, and I can’t blame my mother anymore, because I know she’s trying her best not to see me as her worst mistake.

I can’t help but feel like I’m saying this all for you. Oh well, I doubt you will even notice.

 ____________________________________________________________________

No Squealing, Remember, It’s All In Your Head.

I ain’t trying to be happy, I ain’t feeling glad, but there is sunshine in this land. I’m useless, but I don’t stay the same for long. This feeling, it’s growing strong. The future is coming on.

Finally someone let me out of my cage. Now time for me is nothing because I nearly threw it all way. Now you shouldn’t be scared because I’m good at repairs. Trust can’t see me because it doesn’t look with an eye. Now I’ want to be a ranger to your wild eyes. With me as the guide, allow me to say this, I’m in every sprouting tree, every cloud you see. My mind is a panoramic view, it’s almost ethereal. You can’t pick and choose or you will wait and lose. Chicks and dudes, all of you, my future is coming on.

I am the essence, the basics, childlike in nature and wizened like this paper. Righteous. I was late to the last supper. You have it or you don’t, that’s a fallacy. Without me you wont make it. What appears in you is a darker view. It is lifeless. To know what the worth of life is, that is priceless.

You see a hopeful sunrise, but I see destruction and demise, corruption in disguise, so I’m going to stick around and give it a go, so motherfuckers, like you, know, that I wrote all of this so you can survive when law is lawless. Feelings, sensations that you thought were dead, aren’t you just left them behind a fence.

I perceive with my mind.
Fictional? Maybe. Spiritual? Likely. Crazy? Lately.

This lemon is as sweet as a strawberry.

Time To Wander.

 

From a crooked cottage on the hill, I can see tomorrow’s rain rumbling down through my destiny. Her sweet whispers echo through the mountains, singing in the air. My pen agrees with the clock and together we transcribe the world and plot out the grim certain end.

From my tower at sunset, I watch all the misled slow motion, human lemmings
running to the cliff’s edge. With this said, let’s get free from their grasp ’cause there’s no path to change, change is the path. Right or wrong, we were told to follow our calling. Not to say that the earth was boring, but I knew that the underground was worth exploring, so I packed my bags and never looked back.

From my pirate ship on the moonlit ocean, I set sail through sun, snow rain or hail because there’s something on the wind, something’s about to happen and it’s not to be missed. Free from government shackles, my skin is troubled and youthfully vandaled.
 
Direct from my hovering castle of wisdom. The lights are on, I am always at home; this is where I hang up my shadow. It’s the rainy days versus the endless slumber. It’s the laws I make versus the laws I break. The highs, the lows and the winding roads. Take a little ride to the wishing well, that well which inside my dreams fell.
  
I am that book with a spectacular twist. I’ll liberate the caged heart you have enshrined in pain. I am a bird’s-eye view with too much to say. I watch life pass by like the wind blows; through my eyes as a window I see every night in the streetlights glow and when I turn from my mirror I still wonder if you will, please forgive me for my sins. I light a thought for you, when I’m alone in the dark.